I don’t know about you, but life in general chugs along for the most part normally and then, without noticing, you veer into a wild curve that feels very dangerous when you realise that life has speed up enormously and suddenly you are aware that you are heading violently towards Panic Stations. Basically I’ve gone to ground and I’m not communicating with anyone. Truthfully I’m not coping so much right now. I’m super stressed about my three month annual doctor’s visit next Tuesday.
I am in full panic mode and I can’t seem to get past my fears as they terrorise my thoughts. My brain is in a fog that I can’t seem to shake. It doesn’t help that I’m basically not sleeping more than two hours in a row and I’m beyond tired. But every time I lay down to sleep the brain goes into hyper mode. I can’t help but imagine the worst possible scenarios and what I’m going to do to cope with them, as if coping with the worst case scenarios is something you can easily manage. Ha!
I keep telling myself that I’m imagining it all. That the symptoms I’ve experienced are really nothing. I didn’t feel this level of fear at my last check; in fact, I felt fine. It was no big deal. I’m not in constant pain now like I was last year; I just get a burst of pain every now and then. The bladder issues are less now that I’m drinking less (that was an easy fix!) and I feel full when I eat because I’m eating dammit! It’s just that knowing the truth about ovarian cancer symptoms being so weird means that almost everything I experience is obviously all related to my cancer.
I am so angry that I’m living with this fear. I’m crazy angry and over the panic I feel. I am sick to death of second guessing myself and imagining that everything is cancer related. I want to go back to a time when I didn’t automatically think ‘cancer’ when I felt pain or had unusual symptoms.
I am quietening myself with the thought that if my CA-125 results were really bad the hospital would have called me in straight away and they haven’t, so I can read that as good news, right? Because if the numbers were elevated higher than were they were last time they would want to get me into clinic sooner rather than later. I don’t care to dwell on the fact that I know of stories of people with stage four cancer waiting weeks to get their results from doctors.
Next Wednesday I’m going to be able to write that I’ve imagined the whole bloody thing and I’m a head case for no good reason. I’m almost positive that the doctors will tut tut my fears away and tell me that my CA-125 is still at acceptable levels and that I really need to take a chill pill more often.
I’m looking forward to the day I am cool calm and collected and not easily swayed by the emotional storm going on inside me. Because amidst this never ending swirl of panic I am trying to choose to dwell on the Goodness of my Heavenly Father and knowing the truth that whatever comes from the check up next Tuesday I am going to be fine, as ultimately I was last time the storm hit. I am constantly choosing, despite the madness that I feel I’m descending into, to see that small pinprick of Light in the dark and focus on that Truth. Its a personal choice to look upwards for help rather than letting this tempest beat me down. I don’t want to arrive at Panic Stations, I want to cruise on by serenely.
OK… so now that you know where I am emotionally you might be willing to forgive that I haven’t been writing for the last few days.