Its 5:54 am and I’ve been awake since before 3am. I really should be asleep. I hate nights like this one. I was so tired at 10pm when I crawled into bed I fell instantly asleep.
I woke up because the dogs wanted out and then boom… for neither love nor money could I get back to sleep. Ugh. Tossing and turning for hours. I even did my skin care routine at 4am because I had been so tired at 10pm I could barely get my teeth cleaned before I crashed.
And being tired means that later today I am going to be feeling like I’m hung over (tired, silly and incapable of making a smart decision) without any of the so called fun of getting physically drunk. Not that getting drunk is my thing. I think I’ve been drunk once, maybe twice in my life which isn’t a bad record at my age when you think about it.But truthfully, at this time of the morning, who wants to think about anything really?
My two boys have dug the blankets up on the chair so that it resembles a giant nest and are currently trying to get settled so they can sleep whilst still being in the same room as me. Never mind. I’ll fold the blankets up again later. I have nothing better to do with my time. Silly little munchkins.
The sun is up now… when I started writing these pages the world was still dark and the street lights glared and I had to have the lights on in the kitchen.
It’s so strange how the world keeps turning, even when you think everything has stopped and nothing is happening. I haven’t been able to sleep, so surely the rest of the world has hit the pause button with me and is still in a haze of being not quite right.
And yet it’s a comfort that the world goes on too. That things will still happen even if I’m not. That life goes on.
Although there were times when I first got diagnosed where I didn’t think the world had a right to keep on going forward. When I felt like I was stuck in a time loop where I kept hearing the doctor say ‘We found cancer” and yet people around me keep living their lives like nothing was going on.
The sun rose and the sun set and somehow I found my way through that time and now I can watch the dark of the night slip into the brilliance of the day and rejoice in the familiarity of it all.